I cannot tear my gaze away from the burning horizon, I dare not to as the gold is seeped in blood. I am amazed by this, this sunrise has given way over and over to pale blue, white, and pink. I watch the bright ball of red lighten gradually into gold and then finally it is too bright for my light eyes to handle. Something catches my ear and I am given to think it is simply more phantoms, more haunts attempting to make me regret. I have regretted fully since the day it happened. I have hurt, and I have not healed. Perhaps, I do not want to. I have been broken before, perhaps not to this extent, but back then I had been young. I had not wanted to try and be the female I had tried to be nearly four years ago. I try to keep my head away, I really try, I do not want to look. My breathing grows shallow as I fight internally to keep control, hackles raising against myself as I refuse to look. NO, I cannot look, I will not. It hurts too much, and the constricting organ in my chest tells me just who it is. That nasty bitter taste fills my mouth as emotions unlock themselves and I am forced by my heart to look.

My breath stops as I spot him. I do not wish to inhale any more, I don't want this nasty feeling in my chest to weigh me down anymore. My nostrils flare and I rip my gaze away, tears stinging my eyes. I am shaking, hurt, cut to the quick. Why. Why did it have to be his face when I turned. I hate phantoms, I hate memories, I want them to stop, make them stop. Please, someone just make it stop!

I throw my head back, eyes shut tight as I attempt to make the image cease. Stop it - I growl -, stop it. Stop it. I roar at this point and I round on the phantom. My bloodstained fangs bear as I stride toward the horrible being in front of me. The very phantom responsible for my guilt, my regret, my horror show. There is madness in my eyes, a crazed dazed look over my face. I have lost myself to this rage, this horrid walking nightmare that had dared to intrude upon my recuperation. Yes, death heals me, so long as it isn't mine. "Why do you haunt me so? Why must I see you everywhere I go? What more could you possibly want from me? Oh.....I seeee." My mad eyes widen and I grin, twisted gesture as my head lowers and I raise my hackles, I step forward. I know why now, I can see the reason I am being hunted down by this ghostly vision. Why he stands and stares.

"So...you seek apology? You want me to suffer? You want me to hurt and cry and scream as you watch, this is it? Sadly mistaken, my love, so, so sadly mistaken. I have suffered, am suffering. You get to be with them, and I...the abandoner...the wretch that left...I am left behind this time. You get to see them, hold them, love them. Do you look down on me, sneer and turn my life into one living nightmare for your own enjoyment, or am I paying for my heavy burden. Because I assure you, phantom, I assure you I am paying every day." I couldn't stop advancing, even through my harsh ramblings I had to try, I had to... My nose reaches out, and what I find upon my contact is that I have indeed made contact. I recoil as if he were set ablaze. Jade meets citrine, tears spring once again in my eyes and I let go of a soft gasp. Broken, broken, broken. I sink. My stomach hits the dirt and I am crying and shaking and I cannot stop. Solid, he was solid, but they have never been solid before, they have never been tangible. I try to rise, but I cannot, my guilt and pain is too much. Why can I touch this one but not my sons, not my daughter? Why must it be him who is solid?

I think that is when my mind fully fractured. I think this is when I fully broke. Spirit, mind, body, hollow soul. I scream, I writhe on the ground before him as my paws clutch at the sides of my head, looping over my muzzle as I scream and scream and scream. Every muscle in my body tenses and I am curling in on myself. I mumble incoherently, words not making sense, then...suddenly, nothing. I still.

Nothing happens, I just lay there, broken. My eyes are dull, my body is limp, there is no thought. Only memories, only tears roll down my face. I do not blink, I barely breathe, my heart thuds shallowly in my chest and I am locked within myself. I see them and outwardly I cry. In my mind's eye we are playing, happy, laughing. Judas pouncing at my nose, Jumanji close on his heels and Chevrille watching as Covet moves to grab my ear. Cobryn, my dear Cobryn, the only wolf I had ever wanted to actually try with....his smile is so great to see. I smile back to him and rise, the pups all running to play at his paws. It turns, this happy memory, into what plagues me more than each kill I have ever made. Running away. Looking back to watch my home be destroyed. Fleeing. Outwardly, I cry, my body does not move save for the shaky breaths of whimpering tears. My eyes are dull, save for the glistening of liquid sadness. My muscles tremble, but still, I do not move. I cannot. This weight is crushing me, and my guilt stands over me. Too much. Too much. I don't want this, I cannot want this. He did not love me, he loved her...I tried, and as I fail in so many things, I failed at loving him properly. I failed again at being a mother, a mate, and now...I am crushed by it.

NAME

Jaidah

AGE

Twelve

GENDER

Female

SIZE

38in. / 169lbs.

MATE

none

IMPRINT

Iblis

CHILDREN

Silence, Baha, Severus, Gohan, Dementia, Ryne, Kraddy, Tobias, Mason, Vendetta, Narian, Cayen, Judas, Jumanji, Covet, & Chevrille

PACK

Iromar

WORDS

1046 words long

TEMPLATE

code by jungeun (el) of atf, sds, caution, and rcr.