My life didn't make a lot of sense before Natalya and Kiska and hell, it hardly made sense once I found them. I imprinted on two other wolves before Natalya though neither were able to make a connection with me like she did. There was Nefarious Nemesis, a girl who stuck to the shadows and liked to attack with stealth. I admired that about her but when I met her, I found that I couldn't hurt a hair on her head. It confused and frustrated me since all she wanted was a fight to get her blood pumping and I was all too willing to take up the challenge. She disappeared not long after that first meeting and I never saw her again.

Then there was Forgotten. She was the total opposite of Nefarious. She was weak and helpless, a shriveled up mess on my borders when I ruled over Paracon. I came to find her and found that I couldn't turn her down because she made something in me feel drawn to her, something that sickened me even then. After that chance meeting, she too disappeared and was never to be seen or heard from again. When Natalya found me, I was already courting Kiska, having fought her and made her my Deputy.

Kiska was everything I wanted in a mate. She was faithful and oh so dangerous. She had a deadly perfume that drove me wild and I couldn't get enough of it. She knew how to tease me and how to please me. I could hurt her but she always liked it. It was better because I could choose her. It wasn't like Fate threw her on my doorstep. But with Natalya, things got complicated. She brought out a playful side of me, a side I thought was dead a long time ago. I was raised by a brotherhood and taught how to kill, never how to play. I was never a puppy. I was a young weapon that just needed to be honed. Natalya unleashed that innocent side of me and unlocked all those doors to another life. After that day in the snow, I returned a changed wolf to Paracon and to Kiska.

My vision keeps blurring as I stare at the white and gold wolf outside Natalya's den. My ear keeps flicking back, listening for Natalya to move, to breathe, anything. Somewhere inside, I know it will never happen but I keep trying anyway. And yet something in this wolf calls to me as if a ghost is calling me out. I take another jarring step forward, my eyes distant as the wolf continues to wag her tail at me. She bows down playfully, throwing her rump up in the air as Kiska and I used to do. My body tenses in response, eager for play though my mind keeps trying to tell me that I'm forgetting something, something important.

She tilts her head, watching me with those bright blue eyes and I know that one should be gold. One of those eyes is wrong and yet as quickly as the thought comes, it fades away. She barks at me again and my ears flick back uncertainly. The voice doesn't match but my vision is still foggy. My mind is not done playing tricks on me. She slaps a paw in the snow and my ears prick forward again, growing more eager by the second. Does she want to race through the night like we used to do? Does she want to relive the old days? She speaks, calling me something and I blink a few times, my chaotic mind trying to make sense of it.

Grandfather? No, that's not right. I don't know what Calliel is but it's not what I want to hear. I scowl, my ears folding back.

"Kiska, I'm so glad you came back to me. I've missed you terribly. I'm sorry, my love. I'm sorry I didn't give you the attention you deserved. I'm sorry I didn't chase you down when you disappeared. I should have found you...I should have...."

My words die off, my mind still foggy as my eyes narrow and I look away as if trying to clear my head. Shaking my head a few times, I look back at her and take yet another step, my tail moving more chaotically, more unpredictable. She lifts back up, lifting her head and sniffing the air and my ears flicker back and forth. Suddenly she looks more unsure. No...my mind fights for control, fights to tell me there's something I'm forgetting, something I'm not seeing but I'm not ready to see it just yet. All I see is her features changing to something more like the look of someone who might run. My heart races, my legs trembling, my muscles spasming. She can't leave. No, she can't leave me, not again. I hear her gentle voice, calling me something again, throwing me off. I shake my head more vigorously this time, my jaws actually dripping with saliva this time. My jaws have been spasming this whole time and I didn't know it.

She tilts her head to the side, asking if everything's okay. I chuckle a little though it sounds dry and nervous almost, like a tick.

"Everything's fine, as long as you stay. Please don't leave me, Kiska. I don't know what to do without you. I don't know who I am. Who am I? Kiska, please stay with me. I need you with me. I need you...please."

My mind is fumbling, my thoughts fractured and unfocused. I'm twitching, wanting to reach out to her, wanting to feel her lush fur against mine. What is she thinking? Is she even really here? She has to be. She has to be here with me. I don't want to be....alone.