*looking at my history%01 i'm bad at love; [m;tw] - " />
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*looking at my history, i'm bad at love; [m;tw]
IP: 173.239.240.55
Posted on September 22, 2017 at 02:07:44 AM by TARQUiN


Trigger warning: this post contains emotional trauma, dark thoughts, anxiety; and references to sex, polygamy/adultery, actions or behaviours linked to mental health, and mental torture.

'cause oh i'm bleeding out inside; oh i don't even mind

Quinn knows part of why he went after the vulnerable ones. He liked the idea of being a caretaker on some level, liked the thought of being a protector. It thrilled him to be those things, to want to be those things when everything else about him points to a creature who wouldn't be so soft. Unfortunately he likes the polar opposite just as much, and that's the problem. The fact that he was also attracted to the more dominant personalities that could protect themselves, that put up a fight. This situation makes no sense to him, and it never did. He liked two very different types, and that was what gave him the most hell. Why he was such a roller coaster of confusion every now and then, no matter how good it seemed like things were going for him at any given time. He still, on some silent level, wanted to seek out the missing piece. And that did more harm all around than all the rest.

And while he's so selfish; terribly so, Quinn has still tried time and again to quell one need or another to try to make it work. He has put that selfishness aside for others before. He had tried to do that for Echidna, though the worst part of that was the fact that at one time it had been working. But there had been pivotal points to both of them that simply did not match up enough, and those fractures went deep. Some of that had been dragged back up tonight, a show that maybe some of those gaps hadn't had to have been there at all. That was a painful thing to think about. Most of it was, because he could see why things had occurred the way that they had. He knows that he's changed with time, knows that maybe in some way there could have been good reason to keep him in the dark about certain details. But knowing that still doesn't help, because he had needed the honesty more.

Quinn would not disagree with wanting all the toys -- or someone of them -- but he did not intentionally hide that, or them, away from each other. Usually the time frames were often too far apart, and Quinn could admit that there were creatures that he did not wish to meet each other for good reasons, and he could also admit that Echidna was a creature in common for both situations where that feeling was true. Because Echidna was truly vicious, and in any other light, Quinn likes it. But he wouldn't have wanted Echidna to have met Connor, because she probably would have tried to rip the dying boy apart. Then again, Echidna might have liked him if things had been different. Quinn was uncomfortable with that truth in ways he really didn't want to comment on. The other meeting that he had feared would have been Echidna and Sirius, because there was no knowing where that would have ended up.

Echidna would have, however, probably been happy to know that at one point in time, Sirius had done something that had reminded Quinn too much of Echidna and he'd nearly ripped Sirius a new one for it. Not because of the reminder, but because there were some moves that simply shouldn't be touched by others. Reminders of losses that profound made him cranky, there was no other way to paint it. These are things he doesn't mention, because it wouldn't help anything, and it doesn't really make that much of a difference, does it? Quinn wouldn't keep these things from Echidna if she decided to ask him about it, though. If it did not directly affect anything, then he did not bring most of it up unless he was questioned on it. That was his particular brand of honesty, because he couldn't know what parts and pieces were going to be relevant enough to just bring up out of the blue.

The answer to his questions has him quietly listening, and he's surprised to hear that she thinks he's brilliant -- frustrating and unstable were certainly no shock to him, he knows that well -- though he's never given himself more credit than being mildly clever now and again. Not enough to consider it a trait, though. Determined was true enough, and so were the labels of trickster and demon, not being bashful about his emotions, honest, kind when he wanted to be. Passionate and an excellent lover. He smiles at this, and then he's contemplating the truth on how when he loves it's a consuming thing. But that intensity was what scared him so much, because to be that caught up in it meant that it would hurt all the more when it was swiped away from him. And history spoke of just how often that sort of thing occurred. He was always losing in that area, in one way or another. The losses stacked up. They were weighted.

Then she was speaking to not knowing what he wanted anymore, instead telling him what it was that she wanted deep down. She was right up until this point. There was, however, one fatal flaw in these things that they would want. "It's too bad that we aren't dependable creatures, isn't it?" And the side of his mouth quirks up in a wry half-smirk. Quinn won't pretend that this isn't the truth of them, because it is. It's what has kept any of this from working. They were not dependable for their own reasons, and they had tried and tried again to get past those things, but it had still led them to this moment, these realities. Quinn finally got to learn some difficult truths that back then would have made all the difference for them, and he had to learn the hard reality of himself as well. None of it was easy to think about, but he wasn't going to run away from this conversation when it needed to be had.
WORDCOUNT: 1003



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