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The world has changed drastically, something I'm reminded of every time I wake up next to Kiska feeling more empty than usual. I was used to the physical pain, the aching of never being intimate with Natalya again but I was willing to give that up for my happiness with Kiska. I love Kiska and I feel whole with Natalya. It's a fragile balance of my heart and soul but it's one I accepted the day I told Kiska not to go. I could have let her go, hope that she would find someone who deserves her, who will treat her right and be the other half to her heart but my own heart would be breaking to see that day. I chose my heart instead of my soul and not a day goes by that I'm not reminded of that. Every minute is a physical pain without my imprint but I chose my fate and accept it. I cannot live without Kiska but I would die without Natalya. What a curse. I know that she has the worse end of the bargain and I am no stranger to that. I feel her bitterness every day, her feeling of rejection. It causes me more pain than she'll ever know but I try to stay strong for her sake because I know that breaking down will only make her hate me more and I can only stand so much hate from the other half of my soul. I know that she has joined another pack and I wish her luck but I have already warned her that she will never truly leave my life. She is too much a part of it so I will go to the pack and see her, whether she knows about it or not. I will stalk her and whether she wants it or not, I will love her from afar because that's what imprints do. That's what I can't help but do. If I could let her go, I would for her sake, so that she can let go and find someone who deserves her but my soul won't let me and I know that I could stop breathin as surely as even attempt to let her go. So instead I walk in my lonely misery, hating myself for what I've done and yet my heart is torn on regret. I do not regret loving Kiska. She was my choice, the ying to my yang and I'll never forget that but neither can I forget that Natalya is hurt in the process. I pace into the eastern crater, looking for peace, for turmoil, for any kind of distraction from the pain I feel day in and day out. I don't deserve saving from this pain but i'd rather have a shot of morphine any day. I stop near the edge of the river, the roaring water soothing my disgruntled mind. Sitting down, I watch the water crash against the rocks, the current swift and dangerous. I turn my head, looking back toward the trees but not even the calm of the shadows holds solace for me right now. I sigh and look back into the rapids, wondering what it would be like to walk on the surface of such a wild tide. |