*i conjure up the thought of being gone; [m;tw] IP: 173.239.240.55 Posted on September 21, 2017 at 12:29:38 PM by TARQUiN
Trigger warning: this post contains swearing, emotional trauma, dark thoughts; and references to sex, death/dead things, actions or behaviours linked to mental health, and mental torture.
'cause oh i'm bleeding out inside; oh i don't even mind
He holds scars from her and he doesn't hate her. He's not totally sure that it's possible, but it's not a theory he wants to test out either way. But he holds his scars and he's far too happy to wear them. At least the ones that have meaning, because there were plenty of them hidden deep down that had long since healed from his flesh. He won't argue the emotional scars that he leaves on everyone else, because he knows he does it. Knows that he probably never will stop doing it. It's a part of who he is that he can't fight or hide from, no matter how much he may try to do so. It would still be there, and he doesn't really change. He couldn't or wouldn't and that's all there was. He doesn't want to stop, because he doesn't want to be alone, and that was what stopping would mean. It was one of his worst weaknesses.
And yes, vulnerability attracts him like a bee to honey or a moth to a flame. There's a part of him that needs that, and soaks it in; thrives off of it. There were a lot of days in his life that he wished that wasn't so. And then there were all the days where he wished he didn't need the flip side of that coin, either. He's known about it for a long time now, and he knows how it always ends. He breaks. He's a glutton for punishment. Quinn doesn't know how it's come to this, where that had begun. He has his suspicions, but it's just as he's said. He acquires bits of those he allows to touch him, and sometimes it's little things, and sometimes it's not. He used to think he knew what had ruined him for Echidna, and now he's not so sure. Not like he could scrub himself clean of what he did know, if it had been the thing that had messed him up where Echidna was concerned. Of course they had both changed from what they had been in the beginning.
It's not all on him, but he knows that. Doesn't make his problems less of an issue, though. He must want chaos if he's been living the way that he has, and the realization of all this is both concerning and not to him. It does not spell anything good; not for her and not for him. Still, he notices her smile at the confession of it. Quinn wouldn't disagree that there's plenty for them to say if they were willing to say it, and right now Quinn feels pretty open about it all. Why shouldn't he be? If he wants chaos, then what's the worst that could happen here? So there was that. If she wants to throw down her sins to be seen, then Quinn wouldn't see any reason why he shouldn't do the same. Then again, he's pretty good at doing that already. He does like to flaunt so many of his sins at it was, and it's only the weaknesses that he doesn't want to show. Those are what he'd like to hide away from the world, but it doesn't make them any less there.
Quinn doesn't feel angry right now. It's not there. He has enough going through his head aside from that, and he couldn't say that it would be better to feel angry through this. He had gone through how many emotions in these last hours already. Been there and done that for anger. She rolls his eyes when he comments about being blind where relevance to better is concerned; Quinn was sure that they had different opinions of better as it stands. How ironic he finds it, that he actually is being blunt and honest about all of this and Echidna doesn't think he is. She's telling him that it was bull, and he doesn't see it that way. He doesn't see what she does, apparently, and he wants to know what that was. Of course she also made it about her, but that isn't something that bothers him at this point. It's understandable, to a point. But it's the other part that he wants to figure out right now.
He sabotaged himself. This he couldn't deny. Not to her, not to himself. This was nothing new to him. He'd gotten pretty good at it, he thinks. It's not really intentional; or that's what he thinks, what he tells himself. "My happiness is fleeting." He points out with a quick smile. "And you're right. It's too fleeting to want to deal with the emotional pain that comes when it's gone." He shrugs. "I never said I was fearless." He glances to the rotting carcass and all it's gathered flies. "I fear nothing else as much as I fear my own emotions. That's not a secret." He looked back at her, a sighed huff at the things she is saying to him now. "You have no idea what it means to me, but that's not really the point of that comment, I'm sure. But if you want to cut me off with the sex; feel free to do that." He gave her a level look. "Though I am curious about what more you think I am, and what you think I want." And he really, really was.