.: There is no victory with no loss :.

�There is no victory with no loss.�
Dead memories of a Legend
Chapter I The life of Voltaire
There is much in my chest. It keeps killing me inside. Nobody knows about them and with all of these� Things, plus Devil being banished. I don�t know how much longer I can pretend. Everyday I put on a smile and pretend that everything is alright while I�m dying inside. My throat hurts with the need of asking someone what to do. But� Who? Who would understand? Everyone seems to want Devil away. What would they do if I told them what I felt? They do not understand what he means to me. They do not understand! I cannot tell them. I am forced to hide my feelings.

I whine softly as his head shakes and he lowers his head. For a moment I thought he wouldn�t tell me. But he starts. He tells me that he lost his head. He explains that Natalya died. My head tilts so gently to the side. How didn�t� How didn�t I see that? How didn�t I� My head lowered and I whimpered once more, still listening to his words. He explained to me that in fact he saw Kiska. That he was broken. And it confirmed to me. Devil was just.. Lost. Like Voltaire had been when he was Vague. He didn�t do it on purpose. My head lifted with his own as he took a deep breath. He proceeded.

Now� He needed to know. Well, it� Somehow helped to know this� But there is much more.

- It.. Helps, Devil�- I told him, my head lowered for a moment - It helps a lot� I am sorry for your loss.

My own form slowly lowered to sit and my head lifted.

- I� Please� I� Need you.

I said. Looking at him, almost begging. Hoping he would just stay. And� Help me. I cannot take it. I have reached my limits far too long ago and I don�t know what to do anymore. I whined�

Should he stay� I would proceed�

- �It is not only over you I grieve. My pain goes so much deeper than anything� Devil. After you had been�Banished� I didn�t know what to feel. I was angry at you for attacking a pack wolf. I was angry at Isola for banishing someone so important. But on top of all I was angry at myself for being unable to help�

My eyes looked into his own.

-� Devil, I wanted to be in your place. I wanted to do anything so you would not be hurt. So Isola wouldn�t have to do that. So�- I whined and paused� - But I couldn�t� I am sorry� I have Uno. And Isola wouldn�t let me.

And I tried. I swear I did. Not only once. But in the first time Devil had attacked a member of another pack - he had to be punished- I talked to Isola and offered myself to be punished in his place. All I wanted was to keep Devil from suffering and also Isola.

- � Little after you were banished, Bluejay vanished� Gecko disappeared too�- I almost lost my voice -I don�t know where they are� I tried to find them, I tried to track them. But I have one problem. I can�t smell a thing. I couldn�t track them because my nose doesn�t work� I tried to find you, but I couldn�t. I tried so hard� I can�t tell anyone about this. I can�t tell anyone that the pack�s avenging angel cannot use his own nose. I can�t tell them how I feel�

A small pause as I took a deep breath�

- I have been thinking and trying to figure out what did I do wrong. Why is all this happening to me? Why I keep losing everyone I love�. Mother� Jaidah� Bluejay� Gecko� You�

My body started to tremble, almost unable to keep me sitting.

- And every day I am forced to keep acting as if nothing happened. As if it doesn�t hurt me. Because the pack needs me. Because Uno needs me. I cannot tell anyone how deeply I wanted that you were still there so I could tell you that Blue and Gecko are gone. That I am lost. That I feel so helpless for not being able even to track you down so I could� I could� At least know that you are alright. So I could know if Bluejay and Gecko are alright. So I could tell you how I hate myself for not being able to do anything to help you. I don�t know what to do� Devil� I don�t know what to do�

I whimpered. Simply letting the tears keep dropping from my muzzle. I keep thinking. Would this all be different if I was just another wolf? Perhaps if I could smell, if I could track Bluejay down perhaps I would have an answer. If I� could do anything.

13 Years old | Diveen's Avenging Angel | Forever Bluejay's lover

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